I heard the babies heartbeat today! The circumstances of why I went to hear it a couple weeks before my next prenatal appointment are kind of scary...
This morning, after Brendan and I made love, I started to bleed a little. Its actually quite common, because the cervix is extra sensitive and has extra blood vessels so it bleeds easily. Because I was so freaked out by bleeding, I called Nancy the midwife. She assured me that it was most likely from the sex, but that if it would make me feel better, I was welcome to stop by and have her use the doppler to hear the babies heartbeat.
She picked up the heartbeat immediately upon placing the doppler on my tummy. It was fast and sounded like a whooshing. Because it was so quick and easy, I had to ask her if she was sure it was the babies heartbeat and not my own. Apparently the babies heartbeat is much faster than mine, so theres no chance of confusing the two. Nancy kissed my tummy after finding the heartbeat. I love this woman, she is so awesome.
She also did another fundal measurement (how high my uterus is in my abdomen) because I was already there and my tummy was already exposed. I measured about 15cm, up from 12cm just 2 weeks ago. That means the baby is growing fast, which is a really good sign.
I talk to the baby everyday, usually at night before falling asleep. I am already so in love with my baby. I cant imagine how much I will love it after its born.

Current Mood: ecstatic

I've been having a lot of nightmares since being pregnant. Last night I had a very vivid and terrifying nightmare in which my sister and her ex-boyfriend had both hung themselves (killed themselves) from a tree. I was talking to my sisters ghost, telling her she was dead and needed to go to the light and cross over. Later in the dream, my husband Brendan and his twin brother Kevin decided they too were going to kill themselves. I spent the rest of the dream trying to convince Brendan not to do it. At one point I called his cell phone and a girl answered and said "Why wouldnt he kill himself with such a horrible hippy wife like you?". Very strange indeed. I assume this is the manifestation of a fear of something happening to Brendan and other support network kind of people (his brother, my sister) while im pregnant. I researched online whether pregnant women often have more nightmares and/or dreams, and the consensus is that we definitely do, and its caused by a combination of hormones and fears about being pregnant and becoming a parent.

I had another dream about this restaurant in Quincy called Little Q Hotpot restaurant, where you get a pot in the middle of the table and cook everything yourself. Except, the foods they gave us to cook werent like meats and veggies and stuff, but cookies and sushi and buns and other equally inappropriate items. When we asked the waiter what we were supposed to do, he said "Oh, no one does that, they just order a regular entree", and I got wicked annoyed and thought whats the point of it being a hotpot restaurant!

Aside from nightmares, my pregnancy is progressing just swimmingly. I had a midwife visit last Tuesday, which was very fun. I love my midwife. She felt my tummy to see how big my uterus is now and if there was enough amniotic fluid inside. She measured my "fundal height", which is measured from the pubic bone to the top of the uterus, or fundus. I measured 12cm, which is perfect because I am 11 weeks. Its supposed to be the same centimeters as weeks, plus or minus 1-3cm. She also said my uterus has already come out from behind the pelvic bone, which means I may actually be a week ahead of what I thought. So, maybe I should be going by my last menstrual period, and NOT by the ultrasound for my due date. Who knows. Im just thinking the baby should be born sometime in mid-January.

Im feeling so much better now too. My nausea is pretty much gone, but im still a little tired and my boobs are still bigger and hurt when I squeeze them. New symptoms that have cropped up are a very icky taste in my month, very hungry, memory and focus issues (my mum said the baby is eating my brain) and lotsa cravings. Nothing strange as far as cravings, mostly comfort food, stuff I ate a lot growing up but havent had in years.

Anyhoo, I should go eat something. That Lunabar Tea Cake didnt last long...

Current Mood: chipper

The ultrasound went very well. We got to see the baby, and its very tiny. When we did the scan, it was 8.5mm, and by now it should be 13mm, about 1/2 inch, I think. The size means its a little younger than we thought, so im now 7.5 weeks. My new due date is January 16th. We also saw the heart beating, and it beat at 146 beats per minute. Its supposed to be that fast, and the fact that we saw a strong heartbeat means the possibility of miscarriage is almost non-existent. After seeing there is actually a healthy baby in there, I am feeling so much more confident that everything is going to be just fine.
We have an appointment with our new home-birth midwife, Nancy Wainer, on Tuesday morning. Im so excited that we're planning to have a home-birth. This midwife is awesome, apparently, and she is the one who delivered Josie and Chloe, the little girls I used to nanny for.
My symptoms are continuing. Im still having almost constant nausea, my breasts are hurting a bit and definitely getting bigger, and im quite tired. Im having many food aversions, and the smell or even the mere thought of some foods make me wretch. I can eat very few things at this point. Mostly only plain things like cereals and breads and some fruits if im feeling in the mood. Meat is just about intolerable. As far as cravings, its all either salty, like cheese crackers, or sour, like sour fruits, juices and candies. I read the sour cravings are very common. Lemon drops seem to calm my nausea a bit too.
One very strange thing is that my sex drive seems to have actually stayed the same or even increased. All the other women online who are at my stage in pregnancy have said they cant even think about sex. I thought the increased sex drive wasnt supposed to kick in until the 2nd trimester. Im just weird I guess.
I need to go eat something, the nausea is becoming overwhelming.

Current Mood: peaceful

So, everything is progressing appropriately I think. The doctors did a pee test and not a blood test. I guess they don't need to take blood unless theres a questions. Anyhoo... im 7 weeks and 2 days along, having a lot of nausea, tiredness, and my boobs are sore and getting bigger and have big blue veins all over them. I have my first ultrasound scheduled for next Wednesday, the 30th. The thing online said this week the baby is about 11-13 millimeters, the size of a raspberry. Next week when I actually get to see the baby on the ultrasound, it should be 14-20 millimeters in size. I'm feeling less scared lately, because im not having any bleeding or pain, just the symptoms I described and the occasional twinge in my lower abdomen which im sure is a normal part of my uterus growing and stretching. Im looking into how feasible a homebirth would be. Im determined to NOT have my baby in a hospital. Im either going to have a homebirth or go to a birthing center and have a midwife. I think birthing centers are covered by insurance, but homebirth midwives are definitely not covered. I think it will end up being about $3500 but I should be able to do a payment plan.
Anyways, im gonna jump in the shower now.

Current Mood: happy

I made a doctors appointment for next Friday. Ive had this done before when I thought I was pregnant in high school. They do a pee test and then take blood to check the hCG levels (thats the pregnancy hormone). I had to change my doctor because the doctor they assigned me to when I signed up for my new health insurance wasnt anywhere to be found. The telephone number I had for her didnt work, and the office she used to work at said she hasnt been there in a long time. So, my new doctor is named Martha Karchere and she specializes in prenatal care. Im still considering whether to start contacting ob-gyns or midwives. Ob-gyns are covered in my insurance, but I really really want to have a homebirth with a midwife. Ive just started taking prenatal vitamins today. Theyre actually ok because instead of 1 giant pill which I had read about and was dreading, I take 2 pills that are roughly the size of a painkiller. And theyre pink!
Im having a lot of symptoms. Nausea all day, flip flopping between not feeling like eating and being wicked hungry, I keep waking up early after only 5 hours sleep, my hips are hurting (which is kinda unusual so early in pregnancy but I have bad hips and back anyway so im not concerned). I also keep crying randomly.
Im so happy and excited and, yay! We're going to tell everyone after the doctors appointment.

Current Mood: hopeful

OK, I know I shouldnt be writing this yet, because its so early and everything, but in the last 24 hours I have taken 4 pregnancy tests, 2 different kinds to be sure, all POSITIVE. Im flipping out. Im so fucking happy and excited, but also like second guessing myself, thinking, what else could it be? I looked it up and it said the only other thing besides a normal pregnancy that would produce positive tests is something called ectopic or tubal pregnancy, but thats very rare and I dont have any of the symptoms of that. Im nauseas, i dont want to eat things I usually want to eat, my sense of smell is super sensitive, my boobs and nipples hurt, i havent been very interested in sex and ive kinda wanted to be left alone, and my lower back and hips hurt. I also woke up at friggin 3:30am today, for no reason. Im not even tired, im just really hungry, but I cant think of anything I want to eat except Japanese noodles. Oh, and so, yeah... I am 5 weeks pregnant apparently, I did this due date calculator thing, due date of January 12, 2008, but it could be a few days earlier or later, because my cycles are crazy. Brendan is so psyched, last night after I took the first 3 tests, he was like "Are you fucking serious?! Can I tell people yet?"... hes the best husband ever. We shouldnt be telling people until after I see a doctor, but I mean, c'mon, 4 positive tests and the classic symptoms of early pregnancy. And we've been trying for so long, and we're so excited. Im not going to let anything get me down. Im not going to do the stupid thing some crazy people do of waiting until the 3rd month to tell people, thats bullshit. OK, I need to eat something, I feel funny.

Current Mood: ecstatic

I just got home from my first day at my new job. It was OK. Just OK. I arrived at 1:30pm, and the mum Veronica and I sat down and went over the schedule of all the activities Camila has. She has gymnastics on Mondays, speech therapy and physical therapy in Canton on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, Spanish speech therapy in Boston on Thursdays, and another speech therapy in Sharon on Fridays. So, after we went over the schedule, we drove Camila to gymnastics. She got out at 4pm, which is also the time when Simon got out of camp. Because its April vacation, they're going to a camp at the same place as gymnastics. Then we all came home. Simon played video games, Camila and I played with dolls and read some books. Then Camila wanted to watch Simon play video games, ended up trying to play herself, kept trying to push the button to turn the game off, Simon told her to stop, so she bit him... Unfortunately, we haven't yet reached the level where they'll listen to me, so my attempts at breaking up the fight were futile. I tried to tell Camila to go in timeout and say sorry for biting, but she wouldn't listen. Im hoping this is all just because its my first day and everyones still adjusting, and not because these children are terrors. I hope tomorrow goes better.

Current Mood: cranky

Today I start my new job. I am not really looking forward to it. I didnt go into the interview expecting to take this job, so I didnt take any time to get to know the kids or get comfortable with the family. Im more nervous than I usually am before starting a new job. Im especially nervous because of the whole language thing. I mean, they do speak English, and I do speak some Spanish, but im dreading some kind of conflict occurring because of the language barrier. Oh well, im sure it will be OK, and if it isnt, Brendan said I need to start looking for another job. He made it very clear that I need to find a job that makes me happy, because when im not happy in my job, I am not happy at home, and he doesnt want that.
Ive also been a little depressed lately. Ive been lethargic and cranky. I dont know why, but perhaps that explains why I am having a hard time getting excited about starting this new job.
I have to get going to work now, wish me luck.

Current Mood: cranky

First picture of my new sister, Margaret Lucy Murray aka Maggie. She looks like shes doing just fine. Thats my stepmom Sally holding her.

Current Mood: excited

My new baby sister was born on Sunday. The only problem is that she wasnt due until May 25th; she was almost 2 months early. She weighs only 3 lbs. Shes in the intensive care unit for premature babies. Shes breathing, and they think she'll be fine, but she will be in the hospital for a while. I cant go see her yet. My step-mom came home today, and she is very sad that she didnt get to bring her baby home with her. I dont even know if she has a name yet. I dunno if maybe people dont name preemie babies until they know if they'll live. Im thinking happy thoughts and sending loving prayers to my new baby sister.

Completely off topic, I got my period on Wednesday. Its only been 2 months since my last one, so thats a month closer together than before. So, theyre getting more normal and soon they'll hopefully be every month, which means I will be able to get pregnant. I can hope and pray.

I guess theres a lot for me to pray about right now, aside from it being Good Friday.

Current Mood: hopeful